When I was little I was very close to my single mother. I took on the role of being her supporter and best friend and did everything I could to make her happy and help around the house. My father was never around so it was always just my sister, mother, and I.
We were super close until ran away at 14 because of her boyfriend. That was also the time that I got sick.
The first 2 weeks of running away, I lost 10kgs from my small frame of 60kgs. I didn’t know what was happening and I didn’t have any family to turn to. Generally I was viewed as the dramatic, angry teen girl ruining everyone’s happiness and lives.
Now don’t get me wrong here, this is not a dig session of anger towards my mum. We have a great relationship now and are very close and this is a story of the challenges we went through and what bumps we encountered along the path.
See not everyone in this world has experienced illness
And not everyone can comprehend the enormity of how sick we truly are. In my mother’s case, she can explain it as she just couldn’t cope with the fact that her daughter was sick and that she couldn’t do anything to change it. I guess now looking back, she was angry. She was angry at the world and angry at me in a twisted way lol. She had no control over everything that was happening and shutting me out was her way of coping with the Sh*ty situation.
In the lead up to my surgery I was now 22 and she kept telling me that I hadn’t tried enough to cure my Crohn’s. She wanted me to try more holistic ways and not just medications and diet. She didn’t see that it was the specialist that had now said to me there was nothing else that they could do and I NEEDED the surgery. She thought I would regret my resection.
This was really hard for me to wrap my head around. I couldn’t understand why she didn’t just support me or understand me. In fact, up until the night before the surgery she was refusing to be there for when I woke up.
As a mother, this is still such a raw thing for me.
Even as a daughter it was such a hard thing to understand. It has taken me years of seeing myself outside of my mother’s eyes.
It has literally taken me until my 30’s to change my thinking and change my anger towards the lack of support and loneliness I felt all those years. While I somehow battled through those years they were years filled with tears and anger.
So what helped me? Self talking, self critiquing, counseling and eventually letting go of my expectations of others. I had to learn that although I needed my mum I didn’t have her when I needed her in the way that I needed. I had decided that I would ensure that I would be a better version of my mother – cause let’s face it, sometimes we are just like the parents that hurt us the most. So instead of hurting myself about the similarities in my mother and I; I’ve decided I am the IMPROVED version of my mother.
There are so many ways in which we can feel abandoned and misunderstood by the people who we feel should understand us.
I think that sometimes it’s the acknowledgement that it’s not just in our heads that we are suffering and the acknowledgement of our continued fight we put up.
In a round up of what helped me was communication. Communication also comes in many forms. If you are also struggling with support from someone you could try counseling, write your feelings out in a letter which can be either sent or not, and trying to be completely open and honest about how you feel using ‘I’ statements. This helps the tone not be accusative but relates your feelings as your own!
Good luck super warriors!!!